God Spoke to me

   This time last year I was well outside of my relationship with God. I was in an ungodly relationship with a non believer. Just one year before that I was constantly smoking and drinking trying to ease my pain.
   I had been suffering from anxiety and depression for several years and the negative affects were increasing. I was planning my own death. Wondering what people would say about me at my funeral.
I was so deep in my despair I asked God to make my death accidental and begged Him to get rid of me. I was done. I was tired, emotionally exhausted, and mentally distraught. However, God did not answer that prayer.
   One night while I was out drinking and driving ( low key suicide attempt. I'd pray and ask God that if I were to get into an accident it would kill me and harm no other) I hear the voice of the Lord.
God spoke to me. As I was driving through traffic beer in one had worldly music blasting trying to drown out the realities of bitterness, anger, hurt and sorrow God spoke to me. "You will praise me, He said." That was it.
   I heard the voice of God loud and clear over the blaring rap music I was listening to. Instead of turning down the music and crying out for God. I took another sip of my beer and turned the music up as high as it would go. I heard God but I wasn't listening and I wanted Him to know that.
   I was full. So full of myself that I couldn't see or focus on anything else. Not even the ungodly relationship that I was in. The one God miraculously used to bring me back closer to the call he had on my life.
   I was an avid smoker and drinker. Cigars and beer were my thing. Anytime I would feel slightly inconvenienced by life I would light up. "I just need to smoke" "If I could just get me a drink" I assumed that smoking and alcohol would help me forget my pain.
   I was in pain and no one around me seemed to notice or care. From the outside looking in I had everything together. I had just graduated college for the second time with my Masters degree. I had my own apartment and my own vehicle. I was working and paying bills on time. Single no kids living the dream.
   But... It got old and it got old fast. I was tired of partying every weekend. I was over quickies and one night stands. I wanted more, so much more.
I thought a move to a different city would be good. I would get a fresh start I thought. The reality is that when you change locations without changing your mentality we do what is called horizontal movement. We move around but we don't move up. Just because something is different doesn't mean its better.
   Never the less, God had and still has a plan for my life. I am just in awe of how He can turn nothing into something. I serve a God who actually prefers to work with our "lack".
While I thought I was done for (planning my imminent death) pleading with God to take my life. To give what blessings and fortune he had stored for me to someone else, someone more faithful, someone more trusting, someone more righteous But God said no. "Your lack is exactly what I'm looking for" and from that point forward he began to do a mighty work.